Can One Person Improve a Relationship, Or Do Both Need to Attend Counselling?

Question: I have become more and more unhappy in my marriage over the last two years, and we argue all the time. The marriage does not seem to be working now, but I want things to improve. However, my spouse refuses to seek counselling. Will coming alone do any good?

As a Counselling Psychologist frequently involved in family and marriage counselling, this is a question I am frequently asked. My answer is always a confident “Yes.” One person can make huge differences in a relationship, but it does take work.

It is frequently the case that relationships are not as rewarding as those involved would like. In fact, many relationships often feel like a lot of hard work with no silver lining. At this point, people begin to question whether the relationship is working, whether it has a future, or if they’re just remaining together out of fear of leaving. This is when most counsellors meet their clients – when things have reached a critical level.

Often long before this point, one half of the couple will have suggested, threatened, begged or nagged that they should go for counselling together. And, for a variety of reasons, the partner will have refused. Even at the point of an imminent breakup, some people may refuse to consider couple’s counselling.

So, when a person wonders whether coming alone for counselling can help their relationship, I ask them, “Are you willing to make changes and work towards improving the relationship?” If the answer is yes, then there is a strong probability that things will get better just through one partner attending counselling. If the answer is, “No, my partner needs to change or this relationship will not succeed,” then things are more difficult. At this point, I will work with a client to help them understand that their partner is not living in a vacuum where they act independently of everything around them. In fact, most of their behaviours are partially influenced by the behaviours of the client.

Most couples acknowledge that they tend to be locked into patterns of behaviour, like a ritual or a dance. If you say something that you’ve often said before to your mate, you can usually predict what they will say in return, and so on. In many cases, the issues and conflicts that plague relationships are like this. Couples tend to act as though they are working from a script, where each knows what the other will say and do before it is even done or said. However, the same negative patterns are re-enacted day after day, as though we are afraid to deviate from the familiar. So, each thinks to themselves, if only the other would change, things would all be better. And, of course, things remain the same as each stubbornly waits for the other to see the light and change.

So why don’t the participants in unhappy relationships consider modifying their own behaviour? They do. If, for instance, nagging one’s partner to stop leaving such a mess in the bathroom each morning does not produce the desired results, we change our behaviour by nagging more loudly and more frequently. We are creatures of habit, and change is difficult. If our behaviours are not getting the desired results, we usually change by doing more of that same behaviour. Of course, we only get more of the same result.

What then keeps intelligent people from trying different behaviours? The reason is usually that we believe we are right and, therefore, we would be giving in or compromising our principals if we changed instead of demanding that our partner change. This is one of the biggest traps in relationships – holding onto the idea that because we are right we cannot give in and change to accommodate our partner. However, when asked to consider what the advantage of being right is, and how it has helped the relationship, most people admit that it has only led to a huge amount of anger, resentment, arguing, and feeling badly about oneself. The fact is that being right is the ultimate booby prize. One may feel empowered or morally superior, but as your relationship crumbles around you, this is of little consolation.

With this realization, many people agree that they can give up the idea that they will not change because they are right. They may hold on tightly to the idea that they are right, but agree to behave differently because they are committed to saving the relationship. All it takes for a relationship to begin changing is for one person to find the strength to begin the process with themselves, instead of waiting for the other to give in.

From this point on, much of the counselling work is exciting. Clients begin to realize that once they change their actions, their partners can change too. A shift in one person has the effect of creating space or creating options, so that the other person can consider how they too might act differently. Acting differently also allows us to see ourselves in new ways, and allows our partner to see us anew too. Often, catching glimpses of the loving, thoughtful, strong or affectionate side of oneself that had long been obscured by other less positive behaviours can have a huge impact on an individual and on their partner. A couple may begin to remember what existed before, and think ahead to what may be possible in the future.

The changes that need to be made in each relationship are different, but they are carefully chosen to create a positive difference in how the client sees themself, and in their effect on the partner. The steps may be very small at first, and improvement may feel slow. However, when a relationship appears to is falling apart, and a couple is not happy with themselves or with each other any longer, even a small change can appear miraculous.

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