Through counselling many couples, I have come to realise that we are often not honest when communicating with our loved ones. It’s not that people are actively dishonest and act with malicious intent. It’s just that we aren’t truthful in dealing with our loved ones because we aren’t aware of what is happening within us. This lack of consciousness regarding our own inner processes leads us to believe that what we are experiencing is “the truth” and we then tell others how to behave based on this truth – often to the detriment of our relationships.
Let me try to put this into context with a typical couple coming for relationship counselling. A husband and wife find themselves frequently arguing about financial matters and feeling angry and resentful afterwards. Both partners are unhappy and clearly motivated to improve the situation. Furthermore, each of them believes he or she has the solution to their problems, if only the other would change.
“If only she would relax about money,” he says. “She’s always nagging me about how much I spend. When I buy something she freaks out. Everyone has debt. It’s no big deal. I hate being so controlled and feeling like I need to ask my parents whenever I want to buy something!”
“Sure, it’s no big deal for him. He acts like a teenager spending all his money on toys. We have responsibilities and we have the future to think about,” replies his wife, bitterly. “I take care of all the finances while he doesn’t have a clue. He needs to be more responsible and stop spending our money on every whim.”
Here are two people with two points of view – seemingly opposite truths. They love each other and are committed to staying married. Why is it so hard then? A fundamental problem is the way these two communicate. As is typical, they are telling the other how to behave. They’re trying to change the other to conform to their own beliefs. She is saying that he needs to be more responsible and more considerate. He, on the other hand, tells her that she needs to relax and stop nagging him.
When she says this, he hears, “You are irresponsible, inconsiderate, immature and financially incompetent.” Conversely, she’ll interpret his demands to mean, “You are controlling, obsessive and over-reacting.” How would you feel to hear these things on a regular basis from someone you love? They each feel criticized and hear, “You are not good enough. You need to change.”
As if that weren’t enough, they are also being told that their view of the situation, and feelings about it, are wrong. The husband is saying his wife shouldn’t be upset and her “anger” is unjustified given the reality of the situation. She is saying he has no reason to be resentful of her money-managing, and his reaction is way out of line. Not only are these two feeling criticized, their feelings are being completely invalidated.
What should they be doing instead? One goal of couple’s counselling is to increase individual awareness. The wife needs to understand that her statement, “You need to be more responsible,” comes from her own needs, not from any objective truth in the world. Just like her husband’s demands that she “relax” comes from his needs, not from any elemental imperative. It is important to help couples become cognizant of the needs underlying these statements and to communicate them.
In this case, the husband may have a need to feel like he wears the pants in the family and is able to make decisions regarding money without being questioned. This need may not be reasonable, but it must be uncovered before any progress can be made. The wife may have a need for financial security, represented (in her world) by abstaining from buying the things one wants and feeling like sacrifices are being made. If each could say to the other, “I need to feel in charge,” and “I need to feel financially secure,” what a difference that would make! Who would they each not want to help their spouse with such an honest need? Imagine if they could take this further to consider the motivation behind these needs. “I am afraid you won’t respect me if I am less financially savvy than you.” How might the wife respond to this statement, as opposed to one where she feels criticized?
Although much simplified, this is the essence of much of much of couple’s counselling. However, coming to these eureka moments is not always easy, and overcoming years habits is difficult. However, many couples can attest to the fact that when they begin to speak honestly to one another, from a place based on their own feelings and needs, a relationship can become loving, exciting and rewarding once again.
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